Not that we needed any proof, but if ever did then let me introduce myself. My name is all-you-can-eat-buffet-holic.
It’s sort of customary these days for west bound contemporaries to throw in a sea-off party. Well, not much of a bash just a laid-back visit to any eatery and the host voluntarily paying off the bill. Hallelujah!
Being an epicurean it was no surprise that I am of gargantuan proportion. I can down enough food to justify the price tag. It’s not much of a surprise why my peeps are eager to treat me at an all-you-eat-buffet. Ahem-ahem.
Today was no different. My heart was warming up as I reached the last hurdle. A wooden door stood in between me and my destiny. On the other side I knew true to my heart awaits my glory. Raging within me a hunger for success I marched like a valiant soldier towards the battlefield.
I knew I had to put my mouth where the money is and not wasting any further time I geared up for the ordeal, equipped with effective crockery I recalled the very sacred teachings of our clan which has struck fear in the hearts of buffet restaurateurs everywhere. And I shall let you in on the secret.
- Starvation is bad. One classic buffet strategy is to skip breakfast/lunch so that you’re starving. If you try this method, you’ll usually find that your stomach can’t handle the shock of going from “help, need food” to “putting a lion to shame” just like that. Eat a normal breakfast and a light lunch earlier in the day and you’ll keep your metabolism in top form well into the night.
- Clear the runway. Make sure you pay a nice long visit to the bathroom not long before your visit to the buffet. You’re going to need every last square inch of those intestines.
- Dress for the occasion. Don’t even think of showing up to the buffet in pants that actually fit you. You want two sizes above normal at a minimum.
- Ride like a king. Take a cab. You don’t want the thought of any physical activity creeping into your head during your meal-a-thon.
- Be punctual. The food will be fresher if you show up ahead of the crowd. Fresher food is tastier, so you’ll enjoy eating it more.
- Take your time. What, you had other plans for the evening? No way. Get there ahead of the crowd and plan to stay until closing. You’ll want to take a long break or two, so bring something to keep yourself occupied while your fork is empty.
Attack That Buffet!
- Sit close, but not too close. If you can seat yourself, don’t pick a table too far from the action. Even a little bit of walking will contribute to your fatigue levels. At the same time, don’t sit two feet from the food stations because all those smells will hit you at once and wreak havoc on your olfaction.
- First stop: meat. The chicken, lamb, ghost will likely be tucked away in the far corner from where you’re seated, but that should be your first target. Soups, salads, biriyanis and rice are simply road blocks intended to fill you up quickly and save the restaurant money. Don’t fall prey to their gimmick.
- Your beverage of choice: Nothing. Drink as little as possible. You want as much of stomach space for food.
- Second stop: meat. Seriously, load up on meat if you want your money’s worth. Fill that plate up!
- Third stop: meat. Or maybe seafood. Go for the costliest, prawns, shrimps, but try not to go for the cheap fillet ones. You want to utilize every bit of space left now.
- Fourth stop: By this time, you surely have had your money worth. But try out the different dishes, what the heck try out the vegetables** too!
- Take a break. Now you must take some much-needed rest. Laugh,share a joke. Talk on the phone. If no one calls, try calling your cellular operator and go for a mild stroll. Remember: Exercise kick starts your metabolism. The only digestive aid you should use right now is time.
- Fifth stop: victory! Desserts. When you have had enough of your money’s worth, its time to celebrate. Storm the desert section, treat yourself with some sweetness. Nothing is more sweet than the sweet taste of victory!
Remember with great power, comes great responsibility, do it justice.
Oh, one last tip: Buffet is bad for your health if you consider having healthy dining experience.
**For vegetarians: Better you visit your friendly grocery store and then plan out the attack. Or better, as my friend did, go commando on cottage cheese aka paneer.
Do drop in your strategies too.